The Devil Wear Heels

"Because you wear your red heels carrying your pitchfork."

This is the response I received when I asked why someone in my office (who I barely know) is frightened of my existence. Me, this lady. Apparently the devil. In red heels.

I struggle with this "people are intimidated" by me thing. Yes, there are times when I intentionally create that perception for good reason and those people should fear me. It comes in very handy in the professional world and in dealing with life's random assholes.

It's the unintentional intimidation of non-targets I fail to grasp because really? At my core, I just want to please people.

I have a hypothesis. I am intimidating. But not for the reasons people may think. I don't think it's cool, nor do I pride myself on being a bitch (although I am accomplished at it when required).

I'm not actually that mean. I'm quite sensitive. I can be a total doormat. Yep. Doormat.

So why this outward perception?

Because I know. I just, know. The what, how, when, who on any given topic or situation. The "unknown" does not scare me, for it eludes me often. And therein lies my perplexing strength. I credit my steel trap memory, intuition and penchant for problem-solving for this super power know-how.

Seriously. I just "get" it -- anything I put my mind to. It's not that I'm always right or have all the answers, but I am usually in the general vicinity and can often reach some sort of outcome or respected opinion. And while one might think this is a gift (and I'm still not sure it isn't) it has posed a lot of challenges in my life.

People don't know the real me, and until recently I had a lot of trouble understanding too. I am not conceited. In fact, I can be crazy insane insecure. They think I'm --here's that word again -- intimidating, or a know-it-all, or righteous, blah, blah, blah. What they don't know is that I want, no BEG, to be challenged. I get bored knowing. I would love for someone else to be the one that knows. Only it rarely happens, but when it does I do not let go. Explains a couple of things in my life.

I'm really not even kidding.

So after my above long-winded explanation, we reach the "why" I am the intimidating devil. Take this knowing ability and couple it with a lack of patience for people who don't magically get it like me--especially before I realized this ability was not normal. You can see how this would very quickly lead me to be rather direct and often to the point, so I can move on and consume my mind elsewhere.

Hence, a bitch. Intimidating. I don't try to be. It's just how I am. Completely unconsciously. And not because I hate you or want to make your life hell or think you're stupid (maybe sometimes). But because I want to be challenged and excited and free of knowing.

So if I'm the devil so be it. But the devil ain't what you think she is and if you try to get to know her she might just give you the world. No soul required.