Desperately Seeking Courtney

I'm not me. I don't know where she went. And I'm terrified.

I've been very good about doing all the things I should and shouldn't. There's the first problem. I'm not checking email for work, I'm letting things go around the house, and just laying on the couch (bed, or chair depending on time of day). Because I have no choice. Yesterday, because I wasn't feeling too bad in the morning I decided to don my Wonder Woman cape and claim my title. I ended up in my Wonder Woman underoos, a pathetic imposter.

I attempted to shower. At the end of this event, I was sweating, dizzy, and in crazy pain. I then slept for six hours. You think this would stop me. Nope. I fielded three calls from vendors with simple questions about the wedding and basically had a breakdown crying and blubbering "I can't handle it". Did I stop there? Nope. Checked the work email. Same experience. Alarmingly overwhelmed by something that in the grand scheme of my job would matter not at all if it was completely ignored.

I can't hack it. I went from driving 19 million miles an hour through the city streets on a motorcycle to braking hard core in a Hummer at every speed bump.

I hate the phone. Everytime it rings or dings I cringe. I can't even talk to people I love. I despise that little number over the mail icon letting me know how much there is that I'm not dealing with right now. I had to hide the phone today because it was making me cry.

On the other hand, I do want to be held, stroked, and told I'm loved every minute of the day. I want to be told what to do including when to eat, sleep and pee. I have completely surrendered myself, which is in direct conflict with who I am, and yet it's now coming so easily.

I've received a few lovely notes from a few even lovelier people encouraging me, relating similar expereinces and letting me know it's ok to be angry and confused. I'm grateful for their words, they help me feel slightly less insane.

But I would love to know where Courtney went, and when she plans on returning. If you see her, tell her she is needed. And to bring a new stomach.


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