Patient Zero

Just when I think things are coming under control a bit God laughs in my face. Hysterically, for ten days. Apparently God finds pneumonia funny. I, do not. I am an absolutely disgusting human being.

It is rare (as in never) that I actually take a sick day. And I took my second one this year last week. My body hurt so bad from coughing I was confident I was going to end up breaking a rib. Fortunately God thought that would be too much.

But I couldn't walk up the stairs. I couldn't sleep. I saw the doctor twice in three days and it wasn't until they gave me the option of chilling out at home with some potent cough syrup or chilling out in the hospital with bad TV that I actually listened, went to bed and sat on my ass for four days.

With a litany of medication. Nebulizers, inhalers, cough pills, augmentin, steroids, hydrocodone, codeine, advil...I didn't even know it was possible to take all of this at one time. The albuterol and steroids jack me up and make me certifiably insane. Case in point, on Friday I (somehow) thought it would be a good idea to re-arrange the furniture in my living room...by myself...until my body tried to expel an alien via my lungs as a warning that I might just die attempting this in current state. And then I was certain I was going to die. So I got angry. At myself. Then cried. Really.

But that's not the worst of it. Warning, potential over share, you may want to stop reading right now.

Incontinence. I am literally pissing myself every time I cough. I thought it was bad after having a baby, and you natural birthing mammas know what I'm talking about.  It's for this reason (and the disgusting, hacking cough) that I still have not left my house. I am not suitable for public consumption. I'm wearing diapers for fucks sake.

It's hell. I'm told I'll have this cough for 4-5 more weeks. Weeks. Somehow with all this coughing and pissing I'm supposed to maintain my normal life which includes chasing toddlers (we're all in diapers), planes and trains (sorry fellow passengers), conference calls (thank God for mute buttons) and client meetings (masks required).

This too shall pass. Let's hope quickly.






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